Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Yay! And also, I'm beginning to think I need real help.

Soooooooo. Someone, and I'm not naming any names because we're semi-anonymous here (me) (semi anon because I use my real first name and general location, but seriously, Megan is one of the top names for women around my age) got a new job which pays a little more than their (my) old job and also is with an unnamed organization (government) and makes me feel like singing "The Wall". Or at least the parts that someone knows (all in all your just another brick in the wall...if you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?) Which mostly makes me sound a little twisted.

Who am I kidding? I am a little twisted. But I tricked someone into paying me more money! HA! Jokes on them.

Of course, the government thing makes me think I better just not talk about work at all (which I rarely do anyway) or partaking of illicit substances (*whistling*) (it was college okay? You are expected to try stupid things in college) (Shut up. Don't judge me)or basically anything that they might find out about and change their minds and then I'll have to come crawling back here except they would offer me even LESS than I get now because I'll be desperate and they know it and holy shit, is there a brown paper bag around here anywhere?

Yes, I even worry about good things that happen to me. Change makes me anxious.

For instance, yesterday I had a total panic attack because I don't know anybody and I'll never find people like the ones I know/love here and what if everyone hates me (note: this has never happened before. People generally like me. No, I have no idea why.) I also had a breakdown over the fact that I'm not trained yet (uh...yes. I'm aware). And I had a complete mini-attack involving scenarios in which they realize I'm horribly unqualified and decide I'm semi-retarded because I'm not learning fast enough and decide to fire me before the probation period is up and then I would get horribly depressed and have to work at Starbucks and I'd never sleep again and I'd also get depressingly fat because I eat my emotions (because I don't like to feel. I think its been established that I have a minor amount of envy for sociopaths and psychopaths) and then my husband would leave me for someone not fat and depressed and then I'd be broke and I'd have to choose between turning tricks on the street and living with my mother again and I'm not entirely sure which one of those things would be worse. Do fat hookers make any money? I don't know.


  1. Of course they make money. Even fat hookers need love.


  2. Congrats on the new gig!!!

    PS: I had a similar panic attack earlier this year when I got a new job. So much so that when my current job counter-offered me to stay, I took it.

    I can't deal with stress and change! I'm so getting into one of those set-in-their-ways older people... So good for you for making a change!!

  3. Life is scary.

    I have the opposite problem. I was not nearly scared enough about the huge leap I was taking.

    Not sure which is worse? But, I've never had a panic attack ... so maybe yours.