Thursday, January 12, 2012

Edited: The I'm NOT PREGNANT Edition, which is what I should have called it in the first place, apparently.

Life changing things are possibly in the works. And are also possibly not happening, and I've already jinxed it enough by talking about it with a few select people, so...yeah, that's a sucky thing to do. Cool things may or may not be happening but I'm not going to tell you what they are. Which also implies that I think you care. Which, truthfully, I kind of do. Because one thing I have learned about myself: on the surface I have some issues with body image and whatnot, but underneath? In my deepest, truest self? There is nothing wrong with my self confidence level. I generally assume that people think I'm interesting, intelligent, and attractive. And I generally think those things about myself. And that's fine...except 1. I learned early that to fit in you have to pretend that you don't believe those things, and at some point when you are pretending, you maybe start to get a little confused and 2. just because those things are possibly true doesn't mean that everyone is always fascinated by every minute aspect of my life at all times. Sometimes my self confidence crosses over into a self centeredness so vast, it could cover the entire state of Arkansas. It's generally followed by a session of self disgust at my own vanity that probably balances everything out pretty nicely, though, so I got that going for me.

Anyway, my point, before I wandered off to chase butterflies in the woods, was that because of the maybe thing I have not really known what to talk about. Like, once I say I can't talk about one little (possibly life changing) thing, I get tongue tied (finger tied?) and I can't seem to talk about ANYTHING. So expect a lot of drivel until probably around the beginning of April, when the thing will either have happened or will not be happening at all. I can talk about it then. And I will. Ad nauseum. Till you are like, can you please shut up about the thing that totally didn't even happen?

In the interest of blog consistency: Razorbacks totally won the Cotton Bowl. Which was a much more interesting game than LSU/Alabama. We finally have 3 SEC teams in the top spots of the BCS and then LSU phones it in like a bunch of testicles. I am totally stealing from Betty White. When I want to call something weak, I'm calling it a testicle. It's a new year's resolution I'm pretty sure I can keep. Because she has a point: vaginas are fucking tough. I'm not saying whether the pun was intended there or not.

Speaking of resolutions, I don't really do the New Year's Resolution thing. Not because I am against them (Ells- I really liked your post about resolutions actually. When did it become such a mockable thing to want to make yourself better?) But I tend to make resolutions all year. Like, back in June I resolved to quit smoking cold turkey and I have not had a cigarette or any nicotine product for over 6 months. I resolved in November a few years ago to dig myself out of my debt-hole. That one is taking awhile, but is slowly becoming reality. I dug myself a pretty deep hole. Mostly by refusing to look at the hole. Seriously, I recommend everyone regularly add up exactly how much they actually owe. If you had asked me to guess, at the time, I would have told you a number fully 2/3 lower than the actual total. Like, the number it is now, I would have told you that's what I owed then. I also resolved to do regular nice things for other people. Success rate on that is debatable.

For instance, I totally went through the whole house and pulled out about 7 boxes worth of nice things to donate to a local homeless shelter. I set it out on the curb for pickup, and went back in the house. A short while later I was leaving to go run an errand and noticed that the pile was considerably smaller. Someone stopped at the curb, went through the boxes that were clearly labeled Little Rock Compassion Center, sorted out what they did not like, and took about 5.5 boxes worth. So when the charity showed up, I had one small pile to donate, and it was some random stranger's reject pile. My intentions were good, Charity Dude, I swear.

I also intended to anonymously send my oldest friend some cute things for her two daughters. Just a nice surprise post Christmas thing. There were fairy wings, and a wand, and some books, and some paints, and some play dough. I was really impressed with myself. She'll never know who it is from! Except I...put the return address on the box because I was listening to the radio and they were talking about letters and packages delivered like 30 years late. And I thought of like, undeliveravle mail purgatory, and put my return address on the box. So, she'll still get nice things but the anonymous part...I'm going to have to practice that part. And I hate that I messed that up, because I don't want it to be weird. Like now she's expected to do something for me. That wasn't the point, but that's kind of what happens when you give people gifts. They think they should do something for you. When the idea is to get them to do something nice for someone else entirely. Like this all started because someone raked our leaves for us. And I'd like to be a better person.

I did accomplish a few things successfully, but blogging them seems to defeat the purpose, which is just to do something nice. I only blogged the failures because I think it's sort of entertaining. Plus I think it reinforces my point about my inability to keep my giant yap shut about things.

Except the thing I'm not going to tell you about until the beginning of April.

EDIT: Bleh - I can't comment on my own blog. But in response to comments. DUDES. If it is what you guys think it is, I'm seriously gonna have to break up with my birth control. I better not be pregnant. Damn. Now, I gotta go pee on a damn stick. But seriously, I'm 100% sure that's not what I'm talking about, and also, I'm 99.999% sure I'm not pregnant. Sorry for the confusion.


  1. I usually only blog about the failures too. They're funnier than accomplishments. Nobody wants to read about how I made the bed today or managed to throw a load of laundry in the washing machine. That shit's boring.

    Also, I noticed that April is exactly three months away. And I know what needs to wait three months before sharing.

    I'm onto you, kazoo.

  2. CLIFFHANGER!!! Although, like the person I'm lucky doesn't have a gun, I think I can make a reasonable guess about what's going on.

  3. Totes thought you were knocked up. But I'm still quite interested to read about this upcoming-ness...

  4. My captcha phrase for my above comment was "mating". Uh, maybe you should pee on a stick.

  5. Yeah, I'm unpregnantly sure that I'm unpregnantly unpregnant.

    In conclusion, I am not pregnant.

    That does not seem like a word anymore. That is all.


    JK, JK. It was there, I took it.

    I now know why everyone was mentally stabbing me when I would write cryptic vague posts because it is MADDENING. Even though I know what you're talking about.


    I need to start doing more nice things for people. You have inspired me. This morning my landlord came by and brushed all the snow and ice off our cars so now I feel like I'm EXTRA karmically in the hole. Problem is, it's hard to be generous when you're poor. I shall dedicate part of my tax refund to doing nice things for people. There. PROBLEM SOLVED.