Sunny, the dog frequently referred to as "Bunny" in this house, because she is about as close as you can get to being a rabbit while actually being a dog, did something to her neck that is making my life miserable. She is on a muscle relaxant, a ridiculous dose of steroids, and a pain killer that could probably fell a moose. But that is probably a good thing, as she's not supposed to run, play, or jump. Unfortuantely, sometimes it makes her sleepy and sometimes it makes her sit rigidly straight, panting like a maniac, while her eyeballs roll around and she generally appears to be a complete psycho. Also, confession, we don't crate her and never have. I don't usually tell people that because they act like it's a major sin, but frankly she has always ALWAYS hated the crate. In fact, to say she hates the crate is a little like saying the Westboro Baptist Church isn't very fond of gay people. Which is to say, a giant understatement. She trembles violently and generally vomits any time you try to put her in the crate.
Anyway, this means I don't sleep because I have to stop her from jumping up or down on the bed (which is another way the medication sucks, because she has NO IDEA that she is supposed to feel bad). And of course, I keep trying to reason with her, by saying "Now, Bunny, you know you can't jump or play with Stormy, or run right now. I know that sucks but you have hurt yourself and have to lie still for Mama so you don't herniate a disc and require expensive surgery and/or become paralysed for life." And she looks back at me with her super dialated eyes, and basically says, "Dude. I understood the words Bunny, Stormy, and Mama. Because I'm a fucking dog. And also I am so high right now."
And then she jumps down from the couch or up onto the bed or whatever thing I am convinced will make her crippled forever. I managed to stop the running in the yard by making her harness, though. She used to have one and then Stormy ate it and it's a whole big thing and they always go out in the yard anyway so we never replaced it. Plus they require a PhD in mechanical engineering to actually get on the dog. So I made one out of an old pair of thong panties. Don't judge me. It makes an excellent harness. And I'm not going to actually WEAR them again. So shut your pie hole.
And we get to do this for a MONTH! Super yay!