Monday, June 14, 2010

A Series of Open Letters to Things That are Irritating Me

Dear Jerks on Yahoo!:

Hi! Arkansans can READ! And you are a bunch of jackasses for making fun of 16 dead people! I would be truly angry, but based on your comments, I'm pretty sure you're 13 years old and you play Magic in the back of bookstores and you will never get laid.

Dear CNN:

Governor Mike Beebe. Beebe. With a B. Not Heebe. Please fact check better.

Dear Uterus:

Seriously, we are not about to enter some weird, Waterworld style apocolypse in which it will be necessary to drink our own urine. We do not need 18 extra pounds of water weight. You realize you aren't really necessary, right? Shape up or you're out of here.

P.S. 2 weeks of PMS is overkill, don't you think?

Dear Friends with Children:

Trust me, I'm not pregnant. I've been doing this whole "monthly womanly cycle" thing for about 17 years now. That's approximately 204 cycles, not counting the times I have one every two weeks. If I can't tell I'm having my monthly womanly time after experiencing it 200+ times, well, probably these are not superstellar genes that MUST be passed on to the next generation. I mean, really, is there ANYTHING you do over 200 times that you still don't have the hang of? If so, you probably should consider the future a little bit and not inflict your progeny on the world either.

Dear Coca Cola:

Why are you so gross? That's probably why you are the only thing left in the vending machine. Which would be awesome if the whole office was singing in perfect harmony, but we're not.

Dear Self Magazine:

Why don't I just go ahead and stop eating and work out for 6 hours a day? That's basically what you're getting at right? I guess no one would pay $4 for a magazine with 2 sentences advising anorexia and 30,000 ads. Apparently I will pay $4 for a magazine with approximately 8 articles subtly recommending anorexia, a jillion pictures of "healthy, thin!" girls whose thighs are smaller than my upper arms, and 30,000 ads. I want my $4 and my relatively healthy self image back.


  1. Oh thank god someone else loathes Self magazine.

    I have never wanted to rip a magazine in half with my bare hands more so than the time I read the article called, "10 Great Summer Snacks Under 100 Calories" and they listed 2oz of salsa and 5 CHIPS.

    5 chips?

    Who eats 5 tortilla chips?

    Not this lady.

  2. You're totally right on.

    Except, in fairness, Heebe had to be a typo and not a fact checking error, right?

  3. Ells: You probably make a nice, rational point. I'm so far beyond rational. Two weeks of PMS is making me...Hulk-y.

    But I will admit to the possibility that you are right. I imagine it had something to do with seeing that right after reading comments about ignorant Arkansans. I might have been just a wee, tiny bit oversensitive on that point.

  4. This post reminded me of 30 Rock.

    Avery: Well, if you must know I’m on Dodecaysil, the pill where you only get your period once a year.
    Jack: Ugh, we’re so close to beating that thing completely.

    Wouldn't it be nice?

  5. I'm going to forward your uterus letter to my uterus.