Monday, December 5, 2011

Damn. Apparently, I am no longer following any blogs. This is what happens when blogger decides you're dead, I guess.

I have to interrupt my busy schedule of holiday spazzing, cleaning, and staring off into space and then leaping about like a maniac to share with you a new exercise I have discovered that will melt the pounds right off.

You will need:

1 overweight dog with an aversion to rain. Mine weighs approximately 30 pounds, but this is not strictly necessary.

3,000,000 gallons of rain

1 cup of a deep and abiding desire to not have all of the floors in your house ruined.

a pinch of appreciation for a house that does not smell of urine and/or dog shit.


Forget that you ever had any dignity at all. Otherwise, you'll never get through this.

Take the dog outside.

Shut the door fast before the dog realizes there is water falling from the sky and attempts to run back in.

Tell the dog "go tinkle for Mama".

Spend a second or two pondering how a dog can possibly roll it's eyes at you. They aren't really known for their sense of sarcasm.

Pick the dog up and walk out into the yard.

Set the dog down.

Chase the dog as she runs back up on the porch.

Pick the dog up and walk out into the yard.

Set the dog down.

Chase the dog as she runs back up on the porch.

Pick the dog do see where I'm going with this, right? Continue to do this until the dog actually pees or you have a screaming fit in the rain which you hope your neighbor's kid didn't hear because you really don't want to be responsible for teaching such a precious child the phrase "goatfucking fatheaded asshole".


  1. Welcome back to blogland.

    And I really dig your workout. It seems like the perfect mix of strength and cardio.

  2. well shit, now my Facebook comment makes NO SENSE since here you are, clearly blogging.

    Please ignore everything I say and do today.

  3. I've missed you.

    Also, it's my birthday.

    Also, I have a new blog. Now that blogger knows your not dead will you start following it? Same shit. Custom url.

    My dog tries to hide on the top of the steps under the eave when it's raining. The best part is that she flinches whenever a raindrop hits her head. I'm a bad person for thinking that's cute, right?

  4. Ells- I keep trying but Blogger still thinks I'm dead or something. Won't let me comment :(