Note: I feel I should say here that as far as I know Ben from the previous entry is now a productive member of society. He has a wife and 4 kids, and is presumably quite happy and law abiding. I have mixed feelings about this. Like, I always kind of assumed I "won". You know? Because despite my mockery, he was the first guy to break my heart and even though I am totally over it by now (married, in love, blah blah) I still needed the win a little bit. After all the stuff went down, he actually wrote me a letter and wanted to get back together. I was already with my husband by then, and had no desire to break up with him to take the risk on the other guy. But...I guess that also boosted the old ego and the fact that 10 years later he's not still pining over me taught me something about myself. And that is that apparently there is nothing wrong with my confidence level, because I still kind of expected him to be mourning my loss. Also, I am a spiteful bitch. I'm happy for Ben that he's managed to turn his life around. I just need all of my old boyfriends who ever hurt me to deeply regret that for the rest of their lives and pine away for me for all eternity. Also, I may have tried to facebook stalk him a little bit and he's not on facebook and his wife's page is blocked. If that wasn't embarrassing enough here are journal entries!
A few days ago N told me that J said some bad things about me. I found out today it's true. One day N asked J if he liked me. J said, "No. I hate that _____." Then he called me a bad word. (I can only assume he called me a bitch.) At first, I was so angry I was shaking, then I was hurt. I was hurt because someone I thought was my friend really truly hated me. (12 year old Megs - not a great judge of character apparently.) I guess it is a little humiliating too (I guess?!) It is going to be hard to be kind to him, but I know that is what I need to do. Because God says so and because if I were mean to him it would only make his opinion of me worse.
Today at lunch, N confronted J about that name he called me (I think my mother should have just named Pollyanna and been done with it). J said he didn't call me the name but said I was mean. To me, that is just as bad. I know I'm not always the sweetest person in the world (actually, at this point in life, I might have been one of the sweetest people in the world. At least I was shy enough and doormat-y enough that most people thought that) but I can't imagine what I've done that is that mean. I tried at one point to console myself with the fact that he likes G and she's mean (this was my current best friend. Maybe he was right...)but when I think that I am really being very cruel (okay, it probably wasn't that bad. I wasn't eating her dog or anything). I've prayed that the Lord will help me change what is mean in me so that other people won't think I'm mean (I...don't think this worked).
Just so you aren't in suspense, I later attended a Valentine's banquet with J. A Valentine's banquet is what you have when you go to Baptist school and you can't let the kids dance, but you kind of want to let them do something. Anyway, he and I were actually friends later and we still keep in touch. Even if he did call me the B-word. Gasp.