Friday, March 12, 2010

Dr. The Great Carnac

I have been very busy dying of the bubonic plague, or maybe the consumption, or some other awful, sweaty, choke-y death that's been extinct for at least a century.

That's why I started going to the doctor who never diagnoses me with anything, just prescribes a bunch of stuff and waits to see what will work. Okay, since he doesn't do any testing I might have to go back 3 times, and maybe he is making himself and the pharmaceutical company rich when he could probably save me about $100 by running a couple of simple tests. But at least this way I don't have to tell anyone I have whooping cough, and then have them say, "You can still get that? I didn't think people could get whooping cough anymore," like happened that one time I had whooping cough about three years ago.

This isn't whooping cough, but its not fun either. Except for the drugs. I've been watching Law and Order in a cough syrup daze for days. Law and Order is the perfect sick day show, because you doze and the episodes all run together, and it doesn't even really matter. Anyway, this is some kind of "kiddie illness," as my doctor tells me (through his amazing diagnostic process of...charging me $30 to test his psychic intuition) because of course it is. It makes perfect sense that since I don't have kids and I'm never around kids I should come up with an infection most likely to be passed around on the playgroud.

I'm back at work today, and this post should tell you what a bad idea that is. I have no idea what I just said.


  1. I just imagined your doctor to Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock.

    Good luck with your "kiddie disease."

  2. I think Whooping Cough sounds like fun. Whooping is a sure sign that you're on a roller coaster or sledding down a hill or that you've found a partner who lets you do all that stuff that the others didn't.

  3. Nothing is more fun than coughing so hard you vomit. Its the most fun you can have without being on a rollercoaster, because it so perfectly simulates the feeling of being on a rollercoaster.

    Also, you can have the experience of seeing what its like to be a much older woman, who can't laugh or sneeze without peeing a little bit. Its like Back to the Future that way.

    In conclusion, whooping cough is like riding a rollercoaster in Back to the Future and I totally recommend it.

  4. Are you sure it wasn't Hoof and Mouth Disease? Hand and Foot Disease? Hand to Mouth Disease? One of those. I'm pretty sure it's going around.

    Glad you're getting better.