Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Stop Eating Pork Rinds by the POUND and maybe you too could lose a little weight.

So, I'm sitting in the break room eating my salad and my low fat yogurt, and trying to pretend that this is an actual meal, and not one of the things I do in the name of my vanity and the size of my ass.

This is going pretty well, actually, because I am very good at lying to myself. I do it all the time. Coconut cream pie low fat yogurt is totally the same as coconut cream pie! Lettuce is yummy! I hate Ranch dressing! No one will notice that pimple in the middle of my face!So, I am lying to myself and feeling almost happy about my lunch.

And then.

Someone else came into the break room. This is okay. This is fine. Okay, she talks a lot. Like, people routinely walk away from her while she's in the middle of a sentence and she keeps talking a lot. Like she has phone conversations in her cubicle, and hangs up the phone, and repeats the entire conversation out loud to herself a lot. And she's kind of passive aggressive and sometimes extremely condescending. It is okay. I have flaws, too. I can be nice. I can choose to be happy in any situation! (Told you, I'm really good at lying to myself). And okay, fine, she has a double bacon cheeseburger and some french fries from Wendy's and the fries smell like I imagine heaven probably smells, but I have WILLPOWER (*cough*) and they aren't my fries anyway.

So now I'm eating a salad and yogurt while pretending to like it while smelling french fries, which are in my top 10 favorite foods. And I'm talking to someone who can irritate me without even breaking sweat (which, by the way, is actually really unusual for me. I'm almost never annoyed by people, because they think I'm sweet, but what I really am is exceptionally skilled at ignoring people to their faces; so, she's talented, is what I'm saying).

I am trying very hard to ignore her sweetly to her face, but then a sentence out of the vortex of words proceeding from her mouth catches my attention.

"It is just so unfair that you are so thin and you don't even have to try."

Bitch are you kidding me? One of us at the table is clearly trying, and it ain't you. I froze with my last forkful of fucking LETTUCE halfway to my mouth and stare at her as she shoves another bite of DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER into her mouth.

"Well," I tell her, "I DO run every day. And do yoga. And frankly, I fucking hate salad."

"Oh, I can't run. I can't exercise because I had surgery on my knee and I just can't do any exercises at all ."

I mention that the 80-year old woman my mom works for recently had a similar surgery and is now exercising regularly. Which she ignores.

Also she tells me this while eating food that has enough calories to be all the calories anyone would need for an entire day. But she will go back to her cube and eat mother-fucking PORK RINDS out of a gallon size container for the rest of the afternoon.

And then she says it again! "Its so unfair you don't even have to try!"

Which makes me wonder if this actually happened at all. Maybe I had some sort of starvation induced hallucination and I did not really tell her about the various ways in which I do, in fact, try very hard to stay the weight I am.


  1. hahahahaha omg this is too funny. It's actually really sad...but still funny. I don't think some obese people realize what they eat - they really have no concept of how much fat and how many calories are in a bacon cheeseburger. Or a blueberry muffin (just because it has fruit doesn't mean it's healthy!)

  2. I don't understand how Yoplait markets their goofy flavors like they have anything to do with the food items they represent. If I drew a Venn Diagram of a piece of apple pie and a cup of flavor-goop engineered in a laboratory, THERE WOULD BE NO CENTER. Maybe it's just the texture.

  3. Wow. What a psycho hose beast.

    I think you totally should have been "Yup, I can eat anything I want and the fat just never sticks to me!" and been all superior and effortless. And then you can walk past her desk whilst talking on your cell phone and loudly complaining about how your size 2 jeans are too big and you're going to have to buy new ones!

    Okay, I am mean.

  4. wait- the baconantor double combo isn't low fat...?

    i'm beginning to see a flaw in my diet.

  5. Maybe you should print out some information about exercises you can do with a bad knee and leave it in her cubicle--just tell her you're concerned and you're trying to be a nice co-worker (but in your head you can wonder what excuses she might give for not being able to do those exercises). Unfortunately, doing this would mean that you'd have to talk to her more.

  6. So, did you see the Marie Claire article on the fat hater?

    The only reason I point it out is this: The Marie Claire fat hater was a bigoted twatwad. You, on the other hand, are not. You're not hating on her for being a fattie, but for being such a bitch about it. If she'd said, "Man I hate that I have no self control! I wish I were good and was eating a salad right now, too, but goddam this burger looked good."

    That would have been legit.

    And also, when you hurt yourself, excercise is GOOD. Maybe not running, but swimming? C'mon, lady.

  7. I know plenty of people at all kinds of weights. If you are okay with your weight, you don't make comments like she does, and if you're not okay with it then you at least try. I am aware that some people try very hard and can't lose weight for various reasons. Those people can make any comment they want to me about the unfairness, because it is, in fact, unfair in that case. But rude remarks about my weight that come out of nowhere for no real reason? Are not okay.

    If you can't say anything nice you should probably shut the hell up. On the other hand, I could probably take my own advice.

  8. Um, wow.

    I'm not thin, but I don't really try hard to fix it, and I'm not FAT, just not, you know, where I'd like to be... But as one of the lazy non-exercising cheeseburger people (cheeeeseburgers, yum)... this cracks my shit up. Because, yeah. I have a functioning brain. MY BRAIN IS FAT TOO. FROM THE SMARTZ.

    I actually like Yoplait's fat free yogurt. I KNOW. I do, though. I tend to buy it mostly in the fall because PINK LIDS! even though they're the equivalent of a ten cent donation and Yoplait already committed a certain dollar value to Komen ANYWAY, but, my point is, I do actually like yogurt. Salad is okay too.

    But I am weak, and I would succumb to the siren call of something much less healthy.