I am very, very grouchy this week (no, it's not hormones. yes, I'm sure, and thanks for asking because that always helps so much!). People outside of my house have discovered my special ability to find things and I am now the fucking Nancy Drew of the file room.
Here is an example of an almost verbatim request for me to find something:
"So, like 10 or 15 years ago I think we did some kind of job somewhere for somebody that I don't remember." Please note the use of the word VERBATIM above. I'm not kidding, this is all the information I get.
There are several problems with this.
1. You cannot search the database with any of those clues.
2. Even if you could search the database with those clues, it is probably not IN the database because my company did not believe in computers until sometime after the year 2003. And even then they were a little...hit or miss...in what was documented on the computer system.
3. I'm not a fucking secretary. Or at least, that's what they keep telling me right before asking me to locate files, re-file files, copy things, scan things, print things, and schedule things.
4. If it's not in the database, then it's in the warehouse. Otherwise known as The Place Where All Your Joy Dies (Now With Rabid Spiders!) Actually, the spiders are not nearly as bad as the fact that the boxes out there weight 8 tons a piece, are stacked at least 3 deep (often on shelves over my head) and are in absolutely no discernible order. Also there's no heat or air in the warehouse. One day I am going to hang a sign over the door that reads, "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" or maybe just "That Way Be Monsters".
5. These requests are never made by people to whom it would be appropriate to respond, "HA!Hahaahahahaahahaahaahaaa! Good luck and godspeed on your quest, there, Sparky!"
And yet, I manage to find whatever obscure document from the past every single time, which only makes it worse, because they think I'm made of magic now and they'll never stop asking. I generally try to be positive about this (Job security! At least you're employed! A lot of people would very much like to be employed doing anthing right now!). Sometimes I really do pretend I'm in a lost Nancy Drew story (Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Site Access Agreement!) and if I have to go out to the warehouse I pretend I'm an archeologist on an important dig (I have just uncovered evidence of primitive life! Carbon paper! Pages of paper typed on a typewriter! Dot Matrix paper!).
But today I'm grouchy and unhappy about it. I have a lot of respect for secretaries, but I didn't spend 3 years in grad school so I could be a secretary. Not to mention that more than 75% of my pissed offedness about this is directly related to answering the motherfucking phones on admin assistants day while every secretary in the office gets taken somewhere nice for a free lunch. And then being asked to file and copy things when they all get back.
Whine. Whine whine whine. Whine whine whinewhinewhinewhinewhine.
In conclusion: whine!
ETA: I just noticed in my stats that someone found my site by googling "I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them" which is awesome on so many levels I will be entertained by it FOR DAYS. Bad mood gone! Thank you, person who wanted to brag about your ability to utilize boxer shorts. I sort of love you a little bit.