Monday, January 17, 2011

I Submit that Pima Cotton is Actually MUCH Softer than Cashmere.

I hate many, many things that other women feel certain I should enjoy. Here is a list of those things:

1. 100% Cashmere. Y'all, it is itchy. I have been assured that finding cashmere itchy is basically a fate worse than death. In fact, judging by the reaction I got from one of my husband's female co-workers, this may be a tragedy on par with Darfur.

2. Pedicures. I do not like people to even think about touching my feet. I have been this way since I was a baby. You know how at horse shows and rodeos (I assume everyone has attended one of these; I may be mistaken) where they grease up a piglet and people chase it around and try to catch it? My mom says that trying to do anything to my feet (including putting shoes and socks on them) was like that game except after you catch the pig you have to put socks on it. I also vaguely recall being completely traumatized by an episode of Magnum P.I. (...) where someone shoved bamboo under Higgins' nails. This still makes me shudder, but at the time I was practically hysterical at the thought. It made my next nail trimming session EVEN MORE SUPER PLUS FUN than normal. My mother was thrilled, to say the least. Well, first she was really fucking confused and then she was thrilled. And then I was allowed to trim my own toenails. Yes, I have had pedicures. I would rather be waterboarded. I am not exaggerating. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. Still. Pedicures = torture.

3. Weddings. I am sorry, but I don't really find weddings that romantic. Or weep inducing. Under this heading, I'm going to go ahead and lump anything that can be termed "a shower". No, not the bath. The wedding/baby/dress up and bring me a gift while only surrounded by women and wearing a toilet paper dress over the pretty dress I asked you to wear kind of shower. At 28 I don't think it is really unreasonable that I don't want to participate in pointless games that were boring even when I was 5. Also? I just don't have that much squeal in my heart, previous comparisons to piglets aside.

4. Jeans. Okay, hate might be a little strong, but I'm not in love with them the way other people seem to be. I'm not even a little in lust with them. They have a function, they make my ass look good on occassion, but they are not comfortable. They aren't even all that warm. I stay just as warm in a skirt and a couple pairs of tights. Which are also more comfortable.

5. What Not to Wear. I don't always HATE it, per se, but I generally dislike it a lot. I mean, there are some episodes I've seen where someone lost a trillion pounds or was a poor working mother and I thought, "That's a really nice thing they did for that person." But a lot of the episodes seem to be taking these really original people with their own sense of style and then dressing them like everybody else. Not to mention, I watched an episode not to long ago where they trash talked someone's sweater, talking about it being old lady wear. But when the woman later voiced an opinion that a sweater they wanted her to wear looked like something an old lady would wear, they said No! You're young, so it won't make you look old! Maybe I'm just missing the nuances here. I think the one that clinched it was the one with the witch? In Salem? And they want to change her style because a "friend" didn't invite her to her baby shower because of her clothing? And MY response would be, "Fuck that shallow bitch. One less gift for her, and it would have been an AWESOME gift." Their response? Change yourself to be more palatable to your friends! Maybe that's my real issue with the show. Because I did this in high school and I was miserable. Hmm. That's a bit more psychology than I was expecting from this little exercise.

6.Ice cream. Yeah, I said it.

7.Musicals. ALL musicals (except the Gene Wilder version of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...that's not really a musical though, in my opinion; it's more of an acid trip with belching), but especially the Sound of Music. If you were to call me up, all excited, and say, "Yay! The Sound of Music is on!" I would wonder why the television network hated me. It has been proposed that this indicates I am a soulless bitch even less pleasant than a combination of Cruella DeVille and the Wicked Witch of the West (yes, I even hate the Wizard of Oz).

That last one will probably cause me to lose most of my followers. You aren't allowed to hate the Wizard of Oz, after all. I mean, I'm sure there's someone else out there who finds the chirpy chipperness of Julie Andrews to be scalp-crawlingly annoying, but the Wizard of Oz is apparently holy and above reproach. Screw it, I'm feeling reckless anyway.

What do you dislike that everyone else seems to love?


  1. Megs, I'm wiling to accept not liking pedicures, musicals, and jeans... BUT ICE CREAM?!

    Me personally? I hate manicures. Not being able to move my hands and then sitting under the dryer, and the forced small talk, and the greasy feeling on my fingers afterwords - that's torture to me.

    Do you like massages? I used to hate those even though everyone else loved them... well, until I got a good one. And now I'm totally a massage lover...

    OH! Whole Foods! I hate Whole Foods!

  2. I kinda love all those things. But I appreciate a lady who can openly admit they aren't her cup of tea.

    You do like cups of tea, don't you!?

  3. I don't know, I've never LOVED ice cream. I do like milk shakes, which is a form of ice cream so maybe it's just another one of my weird eating things that has more to do with texture and whatnot than the actual food. For instance, I love tomatoes. Except I hate and refuse to eat raw tomatoes. Because they feel like vomit in my mouth. Even though I will eat ketchup with a spoon and any kind of tomato based anything.

    I do like cups of tea. I hate coffee, but I love a good cup of tea.

  4. I have to admit, I was almost outta here with that uncalled-for attack on Wizard. Very Ricky Gervais of you.

    However, the phrase "acid trip with belching" saved you. All is forgiven.

  5. OMG, I hate showers. I'd rather have bamboo shoots stuck under my fingernails. Heh. See what I did there?

  6. Agree with you on the pedicures, weddings, and What Not to Wear. Really, really, really don't get the wedding thing.

    I also don't understand high heels, Glee, football (either definition, just ugh.), or pomegranate.

  7. i'm with you on #1, 5, 6, 7. but i'm the polar opposite of you on the shower stuff.

    although i WOULD like to clarify, i'm not one of those crazy bitches that talks about how in loOoOooOoOoOove they are with weddings and babies and how they've thought about that shit nonstop since the millisecond they were born. i just really like dressing up, acting stupid, and eating free food.

  8. 1. I fucking love Pima Cotton. Which I don't think was technically found in Point 1 but it was in the title I'm assuming it's somewhere. I haven't read the rest of the post yet. I'm just bouncing between a browser window that has the post in my Reader and this page here what with my comment box.

    2. I've never had a pedicure but I totally would. One of my best friends from college had a foot phobia. So one time I was at a used bookstore and found a book called "Feet in Art" and I totally bought it for her. Best $5 I ever spent in my life.

    3. I like weddings, sometimes. It depends on the wedding and it depends on the people getting married. Bridal showers? Not so much. Baby showers? HELL ON EARTH.

    4. I like jeans. But now that I've discovered the magical comfort of the leggings + skirt combination, I fear there is no going back.

    5. What Not to Wear... eh. I'll watch it if I'm watching TV with someone and they are watching it and I have no choice. I've never voluntarily sought it out. Nor do I anticipate I ever will.

    6. I... I am willing to overlook this, because I like you so much.

    7. I like musicals, but I didn't used to. Whatevs.

    I'm trying to think now about what I am not particularly a fan of. Recently I was working my PT job with two college kids and they about shunned me for declaring my disdain for the Black Eyed Peas. And John Mayer. Oh, how I loathe John Mayer. I DON'T GET IT.

  9. I like weddings, ice cream, and jeans. But I HATE pedicures - seriously, torture. And I really dislike musicals. (Although I've seen a few on Broadway and those are more palatable.)And wedding showers give me the heebie jeebies. I've actually only been to two (both FOR me) and they were very awkward. I hate unwrapping gifts in front of a group of my mom's friends. Yick.

  10. ICE CREAM?????


    You've gone too far. It was nice knowing you though

  11. I like this game!

    My list:

    1. Salmon.
    2. High fives.
    3. DWTS/Idol, etc.
    4. That guy that Scarlett Jo just broke up with whose eyes are way too close together.

    Also, I enjoy weddings for the dancing and free booze part, but everyone hates showers. EXCEPT! I've thrown good showers. I threw a baby shower with a shitload of good food and booze, and we had a place for people to put gifts where they didn't have to sit around and watch the pregnant chick open presents. No stupid effing chocolate bar melted in the diaper game. I haaaate that game.

  12. Maybe the problem with weddings for me is too many Baptist weddings. No drinking and no dancing allowed.

  13. I don't like chocolate. Even I find it weird, since it seems that every girl in the World supposed to love it. I can tolerate white chocolate but anything else - YUCK!

    Pfft...weddings where you can't drink or dance? - I would hate those too!