Monday, January 24, 2011


I'm in the mood to make lists, which reminds me I'm working on a post about OCD because it has occurred to me that sometimes it makes me a slightly shitty person, but until that post takes better shape I'm giving you another list (someone needs to get their perscription refilled). Some of the great* mysteries in my life:

*For certain values of great.

1. Why is Anthropology (anthropologie?) e-mailing me? I've never shopped at Anthropologie in my life. I have perused one of their e-mails enough to know that they charge a lot of money for their clothes. I don't have a lot of money. But how did they find me? Are they watching me right now?

2. What is with people honking at broken down cars? Is there some magical repair that is effected by the horn honking that will make the car go again? Because I'm under the impression that doesn't actually help.

3. My vacuum cleaner will pick up a bowling ball but will not pick up the dog hair or little pieces of dead leaves in my house. Please explain this to me.

Okay I've never actually picked up a bowling ball with the vacuum cleaner. I don't own a bowling ball and I'm perfectly willing to accept whatever the television tells me as the truth (but not the internet; I don't accept everything the internet tells me as the truth. Mostly because for everything it tells me there are 18 contradictory things it tells me at the same time. Plus, that one time it told me I have prostate cancer. Which would be really mysterious indeed considering I don't HAVE a prostate. As far as I know). But, even if the tv lied to me and the vacuum won't actually pick up a bowling ball, I still don't understand why it won't pick up the other things.

I'm beginning to believe the dog's hair is made of a magic indestructable substance and maybe we should consider insulating the house with it. Should only take about 2 days to get enough hair for the whole project. This is how much she sheds.

4. The truffle part in cheap chocolate truffles fascinates me. I'm under no delusion that this is actually TRUFFLES like that pigs root out of the ground and cost something in the vicinity of your first born child and your soul. But what is it and how can they call it truffle if it's not truffle? Like you can't call Cheez Whiz cheese its a cheese product? Does that not apply to other things?

5. Why do some animals hate water so much? I have seen one of my dogs literally walk on water to avoid getting wet, but I don't really understand what the big deal is? Like, other dogs love it. Most people don't really mind it for the most part (unless they're all dressed up to go somewhere or something, and frankly, my dog never has anything that important to do). Also she's not rabid. I assume. We pay a lot of money for those shots.


  1. My dogs hair is magic as well. Either that or my chair is an asshole for wanting to hold onto my dogs hair with all its might.

    I feel gross now for willingly sitting on a chair that wont let go of a bunch of dog hair.

  2. My dog also hates water. Hates it. The only exception is in the summer. Then she may dip a toe in but otherwise, she is out of there.

    I've had truffles. Real truffles. The chocolate ones are far better. Maybe that's why they let them use the name? It's a compliment?

    The internet told you you have prostate cancer? I am mystified as to why the internet is dianosing medical problems. Silly internet. You don't have a medical degree.

  3. Probably what it said was "prostrate cancer" like you're so healthy you knocked that cancer flat on it's ass.

    You haven't had a lot of trouble peeing lately, have you?

  4. I too have a vacuum mystery. My vacuum likes to spit stuff back at my ankles instead of sucking them up. Do you and I have the same vacuum? Cause I think they really enjoy screwing with us.

    Also, why is Anthropologie spelled like that? It drives me crazy.

  5. I've never actually witnessed anyone do that car honky thing, it must be something you weirdo Southerners do. ;)

    I heard there was a magical Dyson vacuum (ie: $4000000) that was designed to pick up pet hair. Because cat hair is magical also. Except I can get it out of my area rug with those Pledge pet hair roller things that I saw on a commercial with a lady that had a white couch and they put fifty black cats on it and were like "use your Pledge to get the hair out" and she's like "WTF you crazzy assholes, Pledge is for dusting furniture and shit" and they're like, "NO! This new Pledge pet hair picker upper thing!" and she's like "YAY!" and my friend and I looked at each other and were like, "Do you think that works?!" and then "Wow, we're old and lame." But I went out and bought one and it totally does. At least on my area rug.

    What were we talking about? I forget.

  6. This is an excellent list, my friend.

    I often find myself contemplating the mysteries of the vacuum cleaner--it is an enigmatic entity, for sure. I've heard, however, that some answers can be found within the ball of the Dyson. But those answers come at a very hefty price. Like, $500.

  7. Anthropologie is the big sister shop of Urban Outfitters. Ever shopped there?

    Do you know the Supersuckers song about how you're supposed to honk at people on the side of the road as if you're thinking about pulling over to help, but then give them the finger as you drive by? Maybe they were all listening to that song.

    I also have dogs with magic hair. So magic that there will ALWAYS be one black hair in everything I cook, even if I cook it in the microwave at work after thoroughly de-furring myself before work in the morning.

    Can't help you with the other stuff.

  8. I love our dyson. I am sure it could pick up a bowling ball. And definitely one of our cats.