Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Does anyone else remember Small Wonder? Man, I really wanted to be Vicki. Vicki never had to feel emotions and shit.

It's not that life hasn't been interesting; it's that I have no idea how to talk about it.

A couple of months ago I realized my OCD was beginning to seriously impact my life. My mother was seriously ill and I had to abandon routines and schedules in order to go home for a couple of days to take care of her. It occurred to me in the car on the way that I was seriously angry and incredibly anxious. Not because my mom was really sick, but because her sickness was impacting my routines. I tried to convince her that she wasn't actually throwing up every 20 minutes because...that just wasn't going to work for me. I wasn't going to be able to do the things I NEED to do in order to keep my shit together. This was a problem. I've never really had an issue with keeping my issues from seriously impacting my life, but I was definitely heading in that direction. I knew I needed to start practicing the therapy again. Where you basically just don't allow yourself to succumb to your compulsions and wait out the anxiety that brings on. That was a really fun month. The thing about OCD is that you don't cure it, you only control it. Unfortunately, sometimes the things you use to control the OCD become things that need to be controlled. In my case, exercise, eating right, and going to bed at the same time every night help me control the worst of the anxiety. Things that are helping you slowly become things that you are compelled to do, that you can't NOT do. So I had to take some time off.

Later on, fabulous tales of watching movies I pre-hated (Eat, Pray, Love) and an hour long conversation with two women in front of a RedBox Movie Rental machine. One of whom has apparently studied the Bible very, very seriously.


  1. I wanted to be Evie from out of this world and it never occurred to me until now that the desire was probably the result of my own inability to cope with the pace of life. Even at 6.

  2. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'm really glad that you were able to write about this. Sounds like you are aware and taking actions to improve. Life sure knows how to press the right (wrong) buttons sometimes...

  3. OCD isn't my prison guard, but anxiety is so I kind of know how much of a bitch they can be when they put their minds to it... I don't seem to have anything awesome of cool to say so I'm just going to say it, OCD sounds like an asshole.