Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Things That Keep Me Awake at Night

1. When did people start paying more for USED ITEMS on e-Bay when those items are available brand new for less money? Are these people unsure of how numbers work? Maybe they don't know that numbers mean things? What? I cannot fathom why anyone would pay $40 for a used shirt that's available new for $20. Why are people doing this?

2. Did I shut the drawer straight? Yes. Did I shut the drawer straight? Yes. Did I shut the drawer straight? I have to get up to check every time. Which makes for a great work out, but not great sleepy times.

3. Why do the neighbors come in at 2 a.m. every morning and talk loudly in their driveway? They have like eleventy billion children. Is this payback because my dogs are obnoxious bastards? It seems counterproductive.

4. I like to lay on my back, but every time I fall asleep in that position, I have nightmares. But I stubbornly want to stay on my back as long as possible, so I make myself stay awake. Then I either roll over at a ridiculous hour and let myself go to sleep, or I dream that I'm playing a board game that sucks me down into hell. Or giant snakes are trying to eat me. Or I'm covered in roaches. Or something that doesn't sound scary when I try to describe it (like the time the South Park characters were eating me) but is terrifying as it happens.

5. I can't lay down because I will go to sleep. I have to stay awake. I have no idea why, I just have to stay awake. So I...stay awake. I have had this problem since childhood when I was convinced my mom was waiting until I was asleep to do all of the interesting things. Turns out, she was watching Dallas or Dynasty and going to bed herself. But I'm still convinced I'm missing out on something when I'm asleep.

6. What will I do if my mom dies? Or my husband? What if we have a baby and he dies and I'm all by myself with a baby? Oh God. My mom will move in with me and I won't be able to stop her and she'll take over my baby and I love my mom but I never want to LIVE with her again. I'm a horrible person for not wanting to let my mom live with me. Maybe I don't love my mom. Maybe I don't love anyone and I'm totally a sociopath and I don't even know it.

7. I've been way too happy lately. Something horrible is going to happen any minute now because its not fair for one person to be happy all the time.

8. My teeth are going to fall out. My grandmother had to have all of her teeth pulled when she was my age. What if that happens to me? I can't live with dentures. I'm too vain and too lazy. So my husband would see me without my teeth and he'd never want to have sex again and if we can't have sex he'll probably leave me. And then I'll be toothless and broke. I'll be an Arkansas cliche. I have to brush and floss again.

9. Why is berry a flavor? Or a color? Not all berries taste the same and they're not all the same color.


  1. .You lose your teeth? He ain't leaving. Just sayin'. Oh and thanks to Ashley the accidental Olympian for turning me onto you . Yep. That sounds terrible...or about right

  2. Ashley the accidental Olympian and I went to high school together :) Love her blog, she's just as funny if not funnier in person...

    I too have those random things that keep me up or wake me up at night...
    like OMG are coyotes eating my puppy? did i make sure to start the coffee maker so my BF doesn't have to do it half-asleep in the morning and then i get crappy leftovers?
    it sucks being a girl sometimes... my other half just closes his eyes and he's snoring. and he never puts on weight. bastard.

  3. Hey now, never considered number 9. Nice one!

  4. OMG it's like my two person fan club came and attacked your comments section.


    I am dying picturing you as a toothless woman. For some reason you also have a Muumuu on in this vision.

    I should probably stop fantasizing about you and your toothless Muumuu hotness huh?

  5. Wait, I'm not sorry at all.

    I'm like kinda thrilled they listened to me!

    It's like I have a blogging army.

    Army, make me lunch!

  6. This list is fascinating. I feel like I could write a book about you now.

    I'd have to make up a lot of details, (what's IN the drawer? Why did the teeth have to go? Too much sugar? A stint with bulimia?), but it'd still be pretty good.

  7. Dana: I see your point about the teeth. I'd like to keep them just the same.

    Raiza: Glad you stopped by. If Ashley is funnier in person, I'd never stop laughing. My other half is the same way. Some day I'm going to go completely crazy while he's lying there sleeping and thin and shave off half his eyebrows or something.

    Ashley: I think its awesome your minions stopped by. Also awesome, you HAVE MINIONS. Make good use of this. I think the muumuu would be because after you have no teeth you might as well wear a muumuu.

    Maria: That's what I'm here for. To give you pointless things to ponder.

    Ells: Its my husband's sock drawer. Its an antique piece of furniture so it has to be closed exactly right. Since he's normal, he doesn't really care. But I care deeply about the positioning of the drawer. DEEPLY. I think her teeth had to go so young because she was raised pretty poor in the country and they didn't do the best job of taking care of their teeth. Its weird because if you met my grandmother she was nothing like that story seems to imply. She also had some stomach issues (not bulimia as far as I know. I believe it was known as spastic colon) that may have contributed.

  8. I have dreams ALL THE TIME where I am losing my teeth. I think this is supposed to mean something significant re: my subconscious, but I haven't figured it out yet.

    PS how have I not read your awesome blog yet, esp. considering we have the same job title?!

  9. Many of these same things keep me awake at night. So maddening. Particularly 7, 6, and 2. And I would try to say something witty but it's getting close to bedtime and I'm terrified that I'll be unable to sleep due to Fear of South Park Characters Eating Me. Thanks for that.

  10. Krista:Thanks and also I don't know! Probably the same reason I haven't read yours yet, and that is that the internet is very big. Also very small, but really very big.

    Drs. Wife: With a knife and fork! The little bastards were eating me with a knife and fork! And I was like, "Um. Hi, I am still alive?" And they were like, *eating noises* and it was all very disturbing.

    And also you're welcome! I live to help!