Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Uh. This is Pretty Gross. And Humiliating. I Kind of Can't Believe I Hit Publish, Actually. Shit.

So I googled "what do you do when your dog has a cold?" the other day. And I just happened to notice the Google suggestions. I got through what do you do...and Google supplied what I guess are common searches starting with the same phrase? I don't know.

Top 2:

What do you do when a guy fingers you?
What do you do when a guy goes down on you?

What do you do? Well, you knit a sweater and sing a song and then maybe you make a grocery list. What exactly do you mean, what do you do? If you have to wonder, then my guess would be you tell him he's doing it wrong.

Which reminds me of a horribly embarrassing, way too much information story from high school. The first guy who ever, uh, made sweet love to me with his finger, set the scene with Marilyn Manson's Beautiful People in the basement of his parents' house. Nothing gets me hotter than R. Lee Ermy screaming, "You are nothing but bombastic pieces of amphibious shit!" 2 feet from head. Mrowr. But hell, what did I know? I'd never done more than tongue kiss a guy at this point.

So, Beautiful People is screaming and moaning throughout the room. And my chosen stud very matter of factly unbuttons my pants and commences with the evenings activities. No, I did not leave out any details. I mean he started the song, unbuttoned my pants, and got to work. He did this for 15 minutes, with me trying to delicately squirm away from him while saying "Ow. Ouch. Fucking ow" because that shit HURT. It was like Freddie Kreuger was stabbing me in the vagina. It was so bad I was honest-to-God RELIEVED when his father walked in and caught us. Because then I had an excuse to run screaming into the night and never speak to the guy again. Okay, I didn't run screaming into the night. But I did re-fasten my pants in a manner intended to indicate the evening was over. And the guy looked at me, in my dewy, frightened virgin's eyes, and said, "Sorry we had to get interrupted, Babe. I could tell how much you were enjoying that."

I went home, checked to make sure I wasn't bleeding (because, really, ouch - I have no idea what he was doing but he clearly shouldn't have been doing it. I'm not even convinced to this day he was in the right spot. I think he might have just been randomly stabbing around down there) and never, ever spoke to the guy again.


  1. Some guys are just idiots when it comes to that. I've screamed in pain, yelled out for them to stop because it was hurting, and they STILL thought it was great. So what do I do when a guy goes down on me? I kick the shit out of him and won't let him do it. But it's okay. I could tell how much he enjoyed me kicking his nose and breaking it.

  2. I'm not kidding: This is why teenaged boys should be exposed to porn. I had boyfriends in high school who watched, and hence knew about the clitoris, and boyfriends who didn't, and hence were frightened of the vadge. Obvs, I prefer the former.

  3. Ells: Porn is part of the problem. It's not like they make out for 10 minutes before they go to the bedroom, like you would do with a woman you cared about. Typically, some girl talks for five minutes, then two guys walk in and she starts sucking. She might get a bit of oral at some point, but not always. Oh, and the guys jackhammer away for 20 to 40 minutes without orgasming. You might as well show a guy Rocky IV and then expect him to be a prizefighter.

    I lucked out when it came to my first sexual experience - I was 18 and she was an (semi) experienced 20-year-old, so she wasn't shy about telling me what she enjoyed. I think that's the key to a good sexual experience at any point - You have to be comfortable enough to tell them what works, what doesn't, etc. Neither sex is a mind reader, so you have to speak up.

  4. that is hilarious. :) and rather than tell you my story her I will make a whole blog post about it. :)

  5. Ah, ye ole finger bang. I was subjected to basically the same thing several times in high school. Except replace "his basement" with "backseat of his car" and "Marilyn Manson" with "AC/DC" and "dad" with "his douchebag friends".

    Seriously, the finger bang is an epidemic. It's like the swine flu of high school. They need to teach a class in the 9th grade about it and the first chapter in the textbook should be titled "Just Don't".

  6. There was something about early high school boys and the way they approached that particular 'act'. It was always WAY TOO business like, and usually lacked any enjoyment.

    Do they have to grow into their suave or something?

  7. Hahahahaha.

    I was a late bloomer and no one wanted to make love to me, with their finger or any other body part, until I was in college. By then the guys had pretty much worked things out and my experiences were fairly enjoyable.

  8. oooooomg. this is going to give me night terrors for the rest of my life. congrats.

  9. I'm with Amber. Sorry that happened to you!