Bad mood totally flipped around. It's a Christmahannukwaanzica miracle.

We went to my husband's work Christmas party tonight. I did not think I would have fun. First, I put on my pantyhose and realized that at some point, someone (and by someone I am pretty sure I mean the dumb demon dog) decided that what I really needed were CROTCHLESS pantyhose. So, awesome. Then I put on the skirt I wanted to wear. It zipped, but it would be an exaggeration to say that it fit. Unless the rules of fit are different now, and a camel toe is a good thing. A camel toe in a skirt. This is basically the same story for the rest of the skirts that I put on. And 2/3 of the pants. Apparently, my ass has been sneaking around behind my back and has taken on Kardashian proportions. Too bad my boobs never get in on the fat gaining action. I might not mind being fat if I at least had a slightly more impressive rack. It doesn't even have to be impressive. Just slightly more impressive than what I have. Which wouldn't require much, since I can comfortably shop in the training bra aisle. Seriously, bras in my size almost ALL come with serious padding, like it is trying to make me feel better about my non-existent breasts. "It's okay," they seem to say, "no one has to know you don't really have boobs. Unless they bump into you and the padding leaves a bruise or something."

I finally put together some outfit that I am sure screamed "I HAVE NO CLOTHES THAT FIT!!!" But I really had no choice since I haven't tried any of these clothes on since last year.

Then my husband calls me 8 times to see where I am, and decides that maybe he needs to meet me somewhere because I sound "confused" about where I am. Which pissed me off because I knew exactly where I was. He just didn't know where I was. If you follow. So I get there. Without his help. Like a big girl who even knows how to dress herself and everything. And it's a business-y finance-y thing, and I am used to these and I never have anyone to talk to because what I understand about stocks can be summed up as, "People trying to guess what pretend thing might happen to make pretend money happen or something" and what I know about bonds can be summed up as "..." and what I know about taxes can be summed up as "we have an accountant to know that for me".

HOWEVER. Three things made this night AWESOME.

1. My husband and two co-workers killing at karaoke. You've lost that loving feeling, indeed.

2. Other non-banky people who were girls! Who were close to my age.

3. I don't have to work tomorrow because he and I are taking a 3 day weekend for his birthday. We aren't doing anything, necessarily, but we have time off. Yay!

Damn. Apparently, I am no longer following any blogs. This is what happens when blogger decides you're dead, I guess.

I have to interrupt my busy schedule of holiday spazzing, cleaning, and staring off into space and then leaping about like a maniac to share with you a new exercise I have discovered that will melt the pounds right off.

You will need:

1 overweight dog with an aversion to rain. Mine weighs approximately 30 pounds, but this is not strictly necessary.

3,000,000 gallons of rain

1 cup of a deep and abiding desire to not have all of the floors in your house ruined.

a pinch of appreciation for a house that does not smell of urine and/or dog shit.

Directions:

Forget that you ever had any dignity at all. Otherwise, you'll never get through this.

Take the dog outside.

Shut the door fast before the dog realizes there is water falling from the sky and attempts to run back in.

Tell the dog "go tinkle for Mama".

Spend a second or two pondering how a dog can possibly roll it's eyes at you. They aren't really known for their sense of sarcasm.

Pick the dog up and walk out into the yard.

Set the dog down.

Chase the dog as she runs back up on the porch.

Pick the dog up and walk out into the yard.

Set the dog down.

Chase the dog as she runs back up on the porch.

Pick the dog up...you do see where I'm going with this, right? Continue to do this until the dog actually pees or you have a screaming fit in the rain which you hope your neighbor's kid didn't hear because you really don't want to be responsible for teaching such a precious child the phrase "goatfucking fatheaded asshole".

A Short Conversation re: Life Insurance Exam

"So, my blood pressure is 120 over 70, my pulse rate was 60 beats a minute, I'm an inch taller than I thought I was for like the last decade or so, and the results from the HIV test should be in before too long."

"Please keep me updated on that last thing. That is a fact that would interest me."

*SPOILER*

I don't have HIV.

(Anna- I can't comment on my own frakking blog, but I actually have no idea what happened. I just...didn't know how tall I was. I thought I knew, because I consider myself an intelligent person able to deal easily in simple facts. Except for that time when I didn't know how tall I was. I have no idea why the life insurance people even need to know my height.)

Kelly made me do it

So Kelly gave me this which I'm wondering if maybe I gave it to myself since I'm pretty sure she's me but about 1000% less Southern and also with a cat. Except I would never give myself an award about being blissful because have you met me? I am currently worried about...everything. No, really, everything, from my mother's mental health to my fat dog's weight problem to whether or not I should walk or run today to the chances the space shuttle is going to land me to whether or not I am a sociopath. But - hurray! An AWARD! A VERY IMPORTANT AWARD!

Now I have to tell you 9 things about myself that you might not know...

1. I do not own an iPhone. I do own an iPod, but it was a gift and I mostly use my Zen nano because it has lasted about 4 years now and the average lifespan my husband gets out of iPods seems to be approximately 11-13 months. Which sucks.
1a. I kind of hate Apple. Probably because I feel pressured to like it, and it's really expensive and really not better, even though people will have a hissy in the comments about how it is too better, but that's only because they dropped a shitload of money on each separate component so they kind of have to do that.
1b. Seriously, I'm a PC and I have no problem with that (except for the part where I am ACTUALLY a PERSON and not a machine...)

2. I am having a mild bout with anxiety and obsessive thoughts which you can tell by the lack of punctuation and also I'm talking really fast and loud and a lot because the loop in my head is kind of loud...

3. I do not like for people to touch my feet. I have hated this since I was a baby. I don't know why. I also don't like things to go in my navel. Maybe that's not weird. But the reason for that is because when I was very small a friend told me that my belly button was actually OPEN at the back, and if you put stuff in there (even to clean it) you could KILL YOURSELF.

4. I used to be afraid of mirrors because a girl told me if you looked in one for too long you would get sucked in and you would suffocate. I was a very gullible child.

5. I'm still pretty gullible, but since I know this about myself I overcompensate by being overly suspicious in most cases.

6. I was adopted when I was 5 days old. My biological parents already had 6 other children. They were immigrants from Sicily. I was raised by Irish people. And SOMEHOW I am still not Catholic. And that's pretty much all I will tell you about my own personal religious/spiritual beliefs. I'm not Catholic.

7. I can sing all the words to Ice, Ice Baby and also We Didn't Start the Fire.

8. The willow tree in my backyard is enormous, and now I'm afraid it died in the heatwave because all the leaves fell off and it hasn't budded at all since then. This will make me sad because its really pretty and the picture window is arranged perfectly to be able to see through the willow curtain. Also, the woodpecker lives in this tree. I hate birds, but I kind of love this woodpecker.

9. I have been known to crush on fictional characters. Notably Trent from Daria, Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables, and Donnie Darko (not Jake Gyllenhaal...Donnie Darko).

Now I am going to cheat a little and say...tag you're it! Yes, you, back there in the shirt! And you over there with no pants! Tell me in the comments if you participate and I'll link you.

Exciting! Conclusion!!!

*standard disclaimer, blah blah blah*

"I haff not forgot how you ruin my life! I am here to ruin yours!" (1. I don't know where dude is supposed to be from, but whatever. 2. I'm not sure how killing his bitch of a wife was ruining...anything, really, except maybe her hairdo?)

"What do you mean?" asked Victor. (Super smart, this one, no?)

Everyone could tell he was frightened. (How SHAMEFUL. A man with a gun just magically appeared in his house...er...castle, and he is FRIGHTENED. What a pussy.)

"I am going to kill your family one by one and I'm going to make you vatch them die! Then I vill kill you!" (I was just your average little girl with pigtails and a horrible blood lust. What?)

Chorkhoff raised the gun and aimed it at Kathryn.

"Ahhhhh!" Screamed Kathryn (as one does).

Joe stepped forward, knocked the gun out of Chorkhoff's hand and kicked it across the room. Royal bent, picked it up, and aimed it at Chorkoff's head. (As you do). With hatred in his voice he said, "You killed my mother and my sister. I should kill you, Pig!" (Dude. You hated your mother. Also, didn't I start this by saying all of these people hated it each other?). Victor then stepped forward and addressed Royal. "If you kill him, you go to jail (there is a cop in the room, after all, and a lot of other cops apparently milling around...speaking of...how did dude get in here again? The world may never know, because I don't think I thought it was important...) We don't want that."

Royal dropped the gun. As Joe Brady's second in command walked Chorkhoff Garvenski out, Garvenski turned and screamed, "You took everything from me! My home, my family, my friends! I should haff killed you vhen I had the chance!" (And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids! Oh, sorry, that's something else, isn't it?)

(Apparently I wrote two endings to this? Here is the one I scratched out:) Today, Chorkhoff is still in jail. Victor remarried and now has the happiness he deserved. Royal ended up a missionary and he even converted Chorkhoff (cough Baptistschool cough), a man he once hated. Andrew is studying to be a CPA. Kathryn got over Julietta's death (uh. huh.) and became a teacher at an elementary school. To this day, they are all happy. (I think that I rejected this ending because do you know what it is missing? BLOOD. BLOOD and DEATH. And a twist.)

(Ending I felt happy with, I guess): As Brady's men led Chorkhoff away, Joe spoke up. "Victor, I hate to be a bother (???), but I have to know, how did you ruin Cherkhoff's life?"

"Sit down, Joe (now he's Joe, not Sergeant, apparently). It's a long story." Then Victor began the story of how he and Chorkhoff had once been best friends. Then Venetia had come along. "We were both crazy about her. She chose me over Chorkhoff, though I'll never understand why. Chorkhoff became angry. He spit on me and declared that one day he would kill me (would have made more sense to do it a little earlier, I would think, but okay?)" At this point there was a gasp and Royal fell to the ground. He had been shot through the heart (and you're to blame, Darlin', you give love, a bad...name...what?like you weren't thinking it). Everyone went pale as they realized what was going on. A murdered was still loosein the castle. They were being hunted. Shot down one by one until at last there was no one else. "Oh!" wailed Kathryn (wait. I thought there was no one else?) "This is awful! We're like those wooden animals in a carnival shooting gallery!"

"It'll be alright. We'll get this guy," Joe said comfortingly. (Dude. 3 dead people. THREE. And you have BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME. I do not think you are going to get this guy.)

Another shot rang out. (SEE?!?! PS when Royal was shot, no noise. now shots are ringing out?)

"Uh," moaned Victor. He had been hit in the shoulder. "Andrew! My son!"

They all looked to see Andrew holding a pistol. (Dude. DUDE. Why did you wait for the cops to show up to start on the killin'? Or why not wait till they left? WTF?)

"That's right, FATHER," he said sarcastically.

"But, why?" Victor asked. It was getting harder to breathe, and black spots were appearing his eyes. (He keeps his lungs in his shoulder, y'all!)But he had to know. Had to know why his own flesh and blood would want to kill him.

"Because. You all considered me a weakling. But I'm not weak anymore. I'm more powerful than all of you. You thought I didn't have the desire to be strong. You were wrong! I'm stronger than all of you put together!" All during this speech his voice had risen so he was shouting. When he had finished he spat at his father (people like to spit on Victor).

"How?" Joe asked.

"What?!" Andrew roared.

"How did you do it," Joe repeated.

"Mother was the easiest. Everyone was upstairs and she was so caught up in her thoughts she wouldn't hav enoticed me if I was standing in front of her. I merely hit her with the gun. Royal was easy because all I had to do was reach behind him and stick the gun in his back at the place where his heart would be and pull the trigger. Julietta was not so easy. She was across the room from me. I had to shhot her without being seen. In a way, it was fun (I...I may not have been right in the head, y'all). Having all that power, taking those chances. Now it's time to kill the rest of you off."

Joe jumped Andrew from behind (he's like a ninja, that one), wrestling him to the ground and throwing the gun across the room. Kathryn snatched it up and threw it out the window. Joe snapped some handcuffs on Andrew and walked him out as Kathryn quickly called 911 for Victor (aren't they...already there?). Victor got out of the hospital the next day (...). Joe helped Kathryn through 3 years of therapy (someone should probably have helped young Megs through a few years of therapy. also? weirdly specific, considering you have no idea what these people look like, what their castle looks like, where anyone is in relation to anything, or even how freaking old these people are.) They are now married (how old were these "kids" supposed to have been???) and have blessed Victor with 7 healthy, rambunctsious grand children.

FIN.

Y'all. Y'ALL. I was not right in the head.

I like to have my most asinine moments recorded for posterity. Because I live to amuse. Or something.

I just needed to say this somewhere, and I'm really not up to the Facebook responses from people I don't know. But anyway, my husband signed me up for some life insurance (note to self: sleep with one eye open) and I just did the interview which is supposed to take 10 minutes and for some reason took me an hour and ten minutes. Because I'm special, obviously. Or maybe because I had to be revived after having a conversation over the phone with a perfect stranger about what I weigh (not telling- but I will tell you that I lied my ass off while my husband rolled his eyes at me. Look if it was a guy on the other end of the phone I probably wouldn't give a shit, but the girl sounded young and cute and I just couldn't tell her the truth. Don't you judge me), if I've put on more than 10 pounds in the last year (I have, then I lost it, then I put 15 back on), and why. What the hell do you mean WHY?

So I said, "General laziness I guess?"

While my husband's eyes rolled back in his head and he was like, "You run like every day. It's not laziness."

"Well, what do you think it is then?"

"You eat more."

And she wrote all of this DOWN.

Unh.

Dun Dun Dun!!!! Part Deux

My calculations reveal that I was either 10 or 12 when I wrote this. It seems a little complex for 10 year old me, but a little...not good for 12 year old me, so I'm going with 10. All spelling and punctuation is preserved. Current commentary in parantheses. Blah blah blah. P.S. Apparently this was like my opus, my epic, my master work. It is somewhat long. Is what I mean. There will be several parts.

Part the Second:

Ten minutes later there came the sound of a siren. "Hello, there, I'm Sergeant Joe Brady." said the officer at the door. (Why is he a sergeant? Because why not, that's why).

"Hello" came a chorus of nervous voices.

"I'd like to get to know all of you before we begin this investigation. Names, please. Start with you." (I watched a lot of Hunter and Dragnet at this time. You'd think I would have had a better idea of how fictional police investigations work, but I guess...not.)

"Royal."
"Kathryn."
"Julietta."
"Andrew."
"Victor."

(I'm sort of impressed this is the correct number of names. I had a short attention span, and I'm surprised I didn't forget there were 2 girls, 2 boys, and 1 father. Also a little impressed that I wasn't overdosing on the dialogue tags. Look, I have to find something good in this okay? That's what I found. Shut up.)

"Alright. Now I'm going to ask you some questions. Starting with, uh, Royal, isn't it?" (Joe Brady thinks Royal is a really lame name for a prince, too!)

"Yes."

"Alright. The coroner (!!!) has estimated the time of death as 9:00 p.m. Where were you?"

"Upstairs."

"Any witnesses?"

"Well, I think just about everyone heard me yell down, but no one actually SAW me."

"Alright. Uh," Checking the notepad on which he had been writing. "Kathryn?"

"Yes" came the smooth reply (firstly, drink every time the cop says alright. Secondly, smooth reply is the name of my pretend jazz band)

"Where were you?" (Because she didn't see this question coming)

"I was upstairs with Julietta. She hates storms, you know. (He does?) We were upstairs in her bedroom."

"Alright. (Drink!)Julietta, your sister says you are afraid of storms. Is this information correct?" (Because this is relevant. Very, very relevant).

"Yes, sir. I am afraid of storms. And yes sir, we were together, " answered a very nervous Julietta. (I think I am trying to throw in some red herrings, y'all. Very very red herrings.)

"And you, Andrew?"

"I was in the kitchen with Father."

"Victor, is this true?"

"Yes, Sergeant, it is," came the reply.

"Alright (drunk yet?) I'll need to inspect the castle." (They are royalty, remember, even if Joe Friday here is treating them like regular folk).

"Of course," said Victor. "We do want to get this solved as quickly as possible."

"You'll forgive me for saying so, but none of you seems to (sic) upset about this, "said Joe. (Sergeant was getting boring to write out).

"Well, Sergeant, my wife, uh, Venetia, was not a very shall we say, loving, woman. She didn't want children, and yet as she would say, she got stuck with them. Doesn't seem very fair does it?" said Victor drily. (???)

"Fair?" asked Sergeant Brady. "What do you mean fair?" (Exactly my question!)

"Well, some children spend their entire lives trying to have children, adopt children or what have you, and here a woman who didn't even want them got FOUR. She was so busy not wanting them that she failed to see how wonderful they really are." (said their deadbeat father...also, can you tell from this that I was adopted?)

By this time Kathryn and Julietta had tears streaming down their cheeks and Royal and Andrew had their heads bowed.

"I see," Brady said quietly. "Well, we'll try to wrap this up quickly."

"Thank you, sir, my family and I would appreciate it." King Victor stated with great dignity. this woman must have been awful to live with every day, Joe Brady thought. The old man seems sincere and all these kids! They don't look like they could be murderers. Of course, looks can be deceiving Joe thought. All of a sudden a gun shot sounded. Julietta Pauline Winthrop fell to the floor dead.

"No!" screamed Lady Kathryn. She fell to the floor, grabbed her sister, and held her.

"She's gone, Kathryn" Royal whispered. "Get up, please don't make it any harder on any one else." (What. The. Fuck. Was wrong with me?)

Kathryn got up but she was still crying. The coroner and a large burly police officer came in and carried the body out. Andrew was trying to calm her. Then a man with a gun stepped out of the shadows. "Hello, Victor." he said.

"Chorkhoff!" gasped Victor.

"Yes, it's me," Chorkhoff said calmly.

DUN DUN DUN! TO BE CONTINUED!

P.S I cannot comment on my own posts, apparently, but I just read through the last of this story...I was not right in the head, y'all. This shit gets weird. Er. Part 3 should be fun.