Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bad Relationship

Dear Lean Cuisine:

Why? Why can't I quit you?

I feel that we are in a horrible, dead-end relationship. I leave you and vow never to return. And then I come back.

You are so seductive with your perfectly sized box, with the white background and the clean font. The pictures on the front of your box look like frozen gourmet masterpieces, certain to make me thinner and more beautiful while keeping me happy because I can have lasagna with no guilt over calories and fat and evil.

I clutch you tightly to my chest, so happy to see you, willing to believe all of your promises.

But you LIE, Lean Cuisine, you LIE TO ME EVERY TIME.

The food inside your box looks nothing like the food on the outside of your box. In fact, it looks nothing like food at all. I BELIEVE with my WHOLE HEART that when I cook your contents they will look and taste exactly like sweet and sour chicken. I excitedly heat you up, and pull you eagerly from the loving embrace of the microwave. And then the horror begins.

This, this stuff that I have heated and longed for...it is colored squares. I know this spongy square is a red pepper because it is red. That is the only clue. And, oh, is it red. It is like Rudolph's nose has been placed in my lunch. Nowhere else is this particular shade of red seen in nature. That squishy bit is chicken because...I am pretty sure it is chicken. Chicken can look sort of white and jiggly can't it?

I persevere. Maybe I should not judge you by your appearance alone. After all, you are frozen food. One probably shouldn't expect it to look like real food...but the taste is so awful. So retched. Like maybe you were eaten once before you were reconstituted and frozen. And I have to throw half of you away. Leaving myself disgusted, unsatisfied, and STILL COMPLETELY FUCKING HUNGRY. And to add insult to injury, the entire office now smells like fish and ketchup. Which makes no sense. There should not be fish. There should definitely not be ketchup. What is wrong with you? Why do you refuse to deliver on your promises?

Well, in the words of our illustrious ex-president: Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice...fool me once (or twelve times) can't get fooled again. We are through, and this time I mean it.

Yours Nevermore,


Ooh, is that fettucine? It looks delicious!


  1. Maybe there is something wrong with me (well, no, there IS something wrong with me), but I like some of the Lean Cuisines. There is this chicken club thing with peppers, olives and marina sauce that is pretty delicious.

    And yet there is something seriously, seriously wrong with being able to make an entire sandwich in the microwave...

  2. I will have to try that. Because if I didn't repeat the same actions over and over again expecting a different result, I would not be crazy.

    I am starting to think we should be more afraid of the microwave takeover than the zombie apocolypse.

  3. All joking aside, the butternut squash ravioli kind is actually, kinda, friggen good.

  4. Agree about the butternut squash!!

    But LOL - this is how I feel about Weight Watchers Smart Ones. I do like them slightly better than Lean Cuisine. Their Thai Chicken with Rice Noodles tastes like actual food!

  5. If you let the frozen cheese harden (I found this out by fighting the cellophane wrapper vigorously, causing a cloud of fake cheese to escape to the floor) it becomes industrial-grade pellets. Good for filling bean bags, pellet guns, you name it.

    I don't recommend actually eating it.

  6. Amen, sister. I've turned to instant Mac & Cheese after being seduced by LC. They are liars!

    (I would also recommend the Snickers in the vending machine for lunch. Yum)

  7. You guys are right about the Butternut Squash ravioli. It tastes like real food! I got one of the chicken clubs to try, too, and we'll see what happens.

  8. Dude. It has me in its clutches too. It tricks me EVERY TIME.

    The Sesame Chicken kind of resembles real food. It's the only one I buy, really, anymore.