Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm Not a Morning Person, Is What I'm Saying

That is pretty much the first thing I see every morning when I wake up. Put your nose really, really close to the monitor with your eyes closed. Wait a moment and open your eyes. There, now you know what its like to be me at 6:00 in the morning.

The only thing lacking is that a picture could never convey the sheer! fucking! happiness!!!! this dog feels every morning upon waking. She is so exuberant that while she has her face in my face, the rest of her body is doing the Snoopy dance. On my body. You can hear the birds chirping and the little woodland creatures singing and she might as well be saying, "Wakeupwakeupwakeup!!ohfrabjousday!playwithmelovemetalktomefeedme!!!"

And this is all very precious and cute, unless you are me. I, to quote my husband, "don't wake up well," and its true, for all that its coming from a man who once accidentally throat-punched me when I woke him unexpectedly from a nap. Ahem.

Anyway, the "me" part of my brain does not wake up until at least an hour after the medulla oblongata. Or whatever it is that makes you angry. I don't know, I learned all my brain science from the Water Boy. So generally, the first thing the dog gets to do in the morning is fly. Across the room. While I say something along the lines of, "Fucking son of a bitch obnoxious asshole!" (At this point, the other dog cracks open an eye, and gives us both a look of complete disdain before going back to sleep like any other rational being would do).

So imagine, now that you know all of this, how awesome it is to be awakened this way for the 1,025th day in a row, and then step immediately into a warm puddle of pee, right by the bed.

And that's how my whole day has gone. How about you?


  1. ME TOO. It takes me forever to actually "wake up" and then once I've dragged my body out of bed, another good solid "hour" for my brain to follow my body.

    I've tried to cut down on the time it takes me to get ready in the morning, but how do you cut down on the time it takes for your brain to wake up? Answer: you can't.

    And that's why I'm always late. :)

  2. Very fine, thank you! My Bailey (who looks frightfully like your girl at close range) knocks me down all throughout the day just to be as close as possible to her 'momma' even if it means under her feet as she walks with hands filled to down the steps to the car. But, what's a dog to do but love her momma? BTW ... I am a distinquished and very talented kazoo player! Cheers!

  3. You know, I think I'm grumpier at night when I start to get tired than in the morning when I'm woken up. I'm not someone who smiles and whistles and cheers about what a lovely morning it is when I get up, but on a normal day, once I'm up and moving--I'm up. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that if I'm up and going somewhere, I often have to run to the bus stop. It's hard to do that while you're still asleep.