Tuesday, April 27, 2010


So, I have decided that I am now locked in mortal combat with Vic over who has the more redneck family. I'll see your 'shooting quail out of a moving car', Vic, and raise you...

1. Daddy grew up in a one room dirt floor cabin with an outhouse and 6 brothers and sisters. So maybe its not entirely his fault.

2. Sometime prior to my birth, my father was "employed" as a rodeo clown. When his knees could no longer stand up to the rigors of this "job" he began working as a truck driver. He liked to smoke cheap Muriel cigars while driving, and when the cigar was down to a nub he would chew on it for hours.

3. When I was about 11 we started having phone conversations wherein he would ask me about boyfriends. Every single one of these conversations ended with him telling me, "Just as long as you ain't datin' any [colored] boys." Sometimes he actually said colored. Most often he said something else entirely, which I refuse to repeat.

4. My dad basically has an arsenal set up in his home, out in the middle of nowhere. They have a garden and a generator and a coal burning stove. So they're ready for the apocolypse, or the South rising again (2nd War of Northern Aggression, known to most people as the Civil War), whichever comes first, is what I'm saying.

5. Dude, he totally believes the south will rise again and successfully secede from the Union.

6. He once shot a deer out of his bedroom window. He's extremely proud of the fact that he could have field dressed it right on the porch. Actually, I never asked. He might HAVE field dressed it on the front porch.

7. He wears belt buckles bigger than my head. I think he won a couple bull-riding, but the best one is the one he bought himself in Vegas. Its very...Vegas. Its for special occasions. On a regular day, he wears 25 year old Wranglers, a plaid button down shirt, and a silver buckle as big as my head, with shitkicker boots. For a special occasion (graduation from high school, college graduation, his own wedding...whatever might require him to be "fancy") he wears the same old Wranglers, the same button down shirts, his belt with his name on the back and the Vegas buckle, and snake skin cowboy boots. Anything with the words "black tie" in the invite will add a bolo tie to the special ensemble.

I have to stop now.
This is starting to bring about deer camp flashbacks.


  1. Now all your dad needs is a pair of spurs so he can make noise when he walks. Waa waa waaaaa... Good ole western theme song to brighten your day!

  2. Actually, I kept hearing Hank Williams Jr. and Johnny Cash in my head as I wrote this (by the by, he claims to be related to Johnny Cash, but this is patently crap).

    We're pure class in my family, that's for sure.

  3. Come on, you've got to be making up the rodeo clown thing. That is too much awesome redneckness for one blog post.

  4. Yeah, you win. Sorry Vic.

    I would've gone out and dated ALL the colored people, then told him about it. YAY!

  5. Miss Yvonne: I wish any of that was made up. But he wasn't one of the fancy rodeo clowns with the make-up. He was one of the more low-rent ones that come out and distract the bull and hop in barrels and stuff without the face paint or the wig.

    SMUK: I may or may not have done that. He would tell you that is what has caused most of his gray hairs. But he's lying, of course. The fact that I'm an overeducated hippie has caused MOST of his gray hairs.

  6. The fact that your dad was a rodeo clown is all kinds of awesome. I keep thinking of Bobby in King of the Hill.

  7. Yup. You had me at rodeo clown.

  8. This is amazing. My boyfriend's dad once shot a deer out of his bathroom window.

    One of my sisters lives in Hope, AR with her family. In a trailer with a king sized water bed. Right now they are bottle feeding some possums.

    But still, I have no connections to rodeo clowns or former rodeo clowns. For that, I envy you.

  9. It takes a special person to bottle feed possums. They may be the only animal alive that is an equally evil looking baby or adult.

    Seriously, they give me the willies.

    Hope is also a special place. Ever been to the Watermelon Festival? Its very exciting seeing exactly how large a melon can get...

  10. I'm going to be honest, your dad makes me a little nervous. But if the south does secede from the union, do you think he'd endorse Chuck Norris as the president of the southern states?


  11. There's a reason he and I don't talk much...and that reason is that he is f-ing scary, in general. I make light here, but the man is not right.

    I'm thinking he'd throw his support to Charleton Heston. If he were actually planning to vote. And also if that were possible.