So, I have decided that I am now locked in mortal combat with Vic over who has the more redneck family. I'll see your 'shooting quail out of a moving car', Vic, and raise you...
1. Daddy grew up in a one room dirt floor cabin with an outhouse and 6 brothers and sisters. So maybe its not entirely his fault.
2. Sometime prior to my birth, my father was "employed" as a rodeo clown. When his knees could no longer stand up to the rigors of this "job" he began working as a truck driver. He liked to smoke cheap Muriel cigars while driving, and when the cigar was down to a nub he would chew on it for hours.
3. When I was about 11 we started having phone conversations wherein he would ask me about boyfriends. Every single one of these conversations ended with him telling me, "Just as long as you ain't datin' any [colored] boys." Sometimes he actually said colored. Most often he said something else entirely, which I refuse to repeat.
4. My dad basically has an arsenal set up in his home, out in the middle of nowhere. They have a garden and a generator and a coal burning stove. So they're ready for the apocolypse, or the South rising again (2nd War of Northern Aggression, known to most people as the Civil War), whichever comes first, is what I'm saying.
5. Dude, he totally believes the south will rise again and successfully secede from the Union.
6. He once shot a deer out of his bedroom window. He's extremely proud of the fact that he could have field dressed it right on the porch. Actually, I never asked. He might HAVE field dressed it on the front porch.
7. He wears belt buckles bigger than my head. I think he won a couple bull-riding, but the best one is the one he bought himself in Vegas. Its very...Vegas. Its for special occasions. On a regular day, he wears 25 year old Wranglers, a plaid button down shirt, and a silver buckle as big as my head, with shitkicker boots. For a special occasion (graduation from high school, college graduation, his own wedding...whatever might require him to be "fancy") he wears the same old Wranglers, the same button down shirts, his belt with his name on the back and the Vegas buckle, and snake skin cowboy boots. Anything with the words "black tie" in the invite will add a bolo tie to the special ensemble.
I have to stop now.
This is starting to bring about deer camp flashbacks.