Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm Sorry, I Think I Set Your Eyebrows on Fire

Scene 1: Approximately 6 p.m., Wednesday February 24. I am pacing about, twitching, and trying to keep busy. He is relaxing with a glass of pinot noir, on the internet.

He: Do you want any of this wine?

Me, opening fridge, rummaging around: No. What do you think for dinner?

A beat goes by.

He: Megan. Do. You. Want. Any. Of. This. Wine.

I slam the refrigerator door, and turn around. I do not look like me anymore. More like a fire breathing Lou Farigno in full on Hulk.


He: Are we a little frazzled today?

Me (less green, less fire): Yes. Are you hungry?

He: No. But if you are let's go ahead and eat. Whatever you want, dear.

Me: I'm not hungry, I just need to keep busy and I need something to put in my mouth.

He (lecherous eyebrows): I could help you out with that...

Me: Do you really want any part of your person anywhere near my teeth right now?

He: I rescind my offer.


Scene 2: 5:30 p.m., Thursday February 25. In the car on the way home, I am trapped by the train.

Me: Hey. Wait. I've got a new complaint. Forever something blah blah blah. Hey. Wait...Seriously? What is up with this train? Mumble, Nirvana, mumble. Seriously. This train is like a thousand miles long. They should put some kind of LIMIT on how LONG the fucking train can be. Especially if they are going to send it through the middle of fucking town at fucking rush hour. Seriously. I have been sitting here FOR-FUCKING-EVER.

I continued in that vain through Jeremy, Use Somebody, and Sabotage before I realized I was screaming obscenities at the train and people were looking at me.

Scene 3: 8:30 p.m., Thursday February 25. I am re-reading Alan Carr's Quit Smoking the Easy Way. Some of this book is quite helpful. It is helpful to think of being glad to stop smoking as opposed to constantly whining about wanting a cigarette. The idea of a positive attitude and the mantra that I do not need to smoke, and reminders about the fact that nicotine does not cure my withdrawal, but rather makes me want more nicotine, these things are helpful.

The idea that I should not use any sort of substitute, like gum or hard candy, is...stupid. So stupid that I threw the book across the room and yelled, "Screw you! I'm very super happy for you that you went from 100 to 0 cigarettes a day with NO PROBLEM. That does not make me feel awful or weak AT ALL. And I am eating this beef jerky instead of smoking a cigarette, and I think that should be OKAY. SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT YOU SMUG ARROGANT CREEP!"


Its weird how the dogs won't come to me and he is avoiding eye contact and not making any sudden moves. I cannot imagine what everyone's problem is.

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