Friday, February 12, 2010

A Valentine's Day Letter

Dear Middle-aged Homeless Men of the Greater Metropolitan Area:

Seriously? No.

However, because I am a giver, I have enclosed a list of things that will make it easier for you to pick up women:

1. Shouting "GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER" is not the best approach. The delicate flower you are desperate to shower your romantic attentions on may get the impression that she is being mugged, rather than woo-ed. She may shriek and kick you in the groin, or run away, or some combination of both. This reaction is not conducive to getting your Barry White on, and you should definitely re-think this approach.

2. Try not to approach her as she is handing out bread at the soup kitchen. This is a clear indication that you are homeless. Believe it or not, women are not all that hot to date men without homes. Try playing it a little cooler. Approach her somewhere she might not automatically assume that giving you her phone number will result in either a) you calling from prison because she's the only person you know who might be able to bail you out or b) you appearing in her home and never, ever leaving ala Gil Gundersson.

3. Everyone gets rejected and that's okay. There is someone out there for you. As most 18 year old boys and The Situation from Jersey Shore will tell you, its a numbers game. If you ask enough women one of them will say yes. But if she should reject you, do not follow her and continue to ask for her number, do not expose your genitals in an attempt to entice her, and do not tell her that it doesn't matter if she's married because marriage is not forever. These things will either frighten her or make her angry or both. Again, not the reaction you are going for.

I believe that by following these simple rules you, too, can find love for Valentine's Day. Just not with me because I am an uppity bitch, as the man living on the corner of Broadway and Gaines will tell you.

Sincerely not interested in dating the homeless,


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