Sunday, January 10, 2010

If He Doesn't Have Buyers Remorse, He's Crazier Than I Am

My husband knew about my OCD before we were married. He didn't really believe me, I don't think, until we were living together. I think he thought I was telling him I was obsessive compulsive the way most people say it, like they are such perfectionists or neat freaks they say they are OCD. And then we moved in together. I was on an anxiety trip, and I started what I call "binge cleaning." Organizing, scrubbing, throwing things away, in a loop. I finish all the assigned tasks and start all over again. Normally, I clean and move on, but when I'm anxious it gets a little out of control. Anyway, I really didn't think anything of it. Okay, so he caught me cleaning the toilet at 3 a.m. because there was no way I could sleep thinking about what might be growing in the toilet that I cleaned about 4 hours ago. Its not like he caught me snorting blow off a dead hookers belly, or something. So I didn't think anything of it. I calmed down and stopped the "binge cleaning" and never really thought about his reaction. Several weeks later we were talking to someone who mentioned, jokingly, "Oh, I'm so OCD, I can't stand my counters to be cluttered. Haha." My husband (look, can we agree to call him Mr. Blonde? Because I like Reservoir Dogs, and he's blonde, and it seems easier). So, Mr. Blonde looks at the person and says, "Are you as terrifying as my wife when she's cleaning?" He was serious. Now, every time I get like that he moves far, far out of my way.
So, a couple of years later that show Obsessed comes out on A&E. I like to watch it. I don't pull out my hair or check my front door 30,000 times or have to walk an exact number of steps everywhere or anything, but the underlying causes and feelings are the same. They can't stop thinking about it. If they don't do it, something bad will happen. The magical thinking and the complete inability to control your own thoughts. And we were watching this one girl who was terrified she would horribly murder someone. And I was like, "I get that." And Mr. Blonde is all, "WHAT?!" I told him, I don't have recurring thoughts of commiting atrocities on other people, but when I was younger (before drugs) I would get obsessed with sharp things. I had a phobia of them, because the obsessive thoughts were about some accident occurring and someone being stabbed in the eye. Which is still disturbing to think about, but was especially disturbing when I could not turn the thoughts off. I have a lot of things that are still like that. I have learned to control the thoughts more than I could as a child. I've learned about exposure therapy, which is effective for me. Some things I just don't worry about. Who cares if the dresser drawers have to be closed exactly right for me to sleep? It doesn't hurt me or anyone else to make sure they are properly closed before sleeping. It is important to control the thoughts about driving my car off the side of the interstate on the way home from work or compulsion to exercise or not eat.
Anyway, my point is, I told you I was crazy before you married me. Its not my fault you didn't believe me, and now you are stuck with me, muahahah.

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