Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Zombies Will Definitely Get Me

I'm not sure why the History Channel insists on continually rotating specials about the end of the world. I'm not sure why I watch them. Like I don't have enough to worry about? Now I have to worry the sun is going to go supernova or we're going to be invaded by aliens or all the nuclear reactors will spontaneously combust and the ice caps will melt and we'll all drown or go through an ice age or something? I can't survive an ice age. I hate the cold.
Although, the sudden death might be best. If Apocalypse Man is right, we will all be living in 28 Days Later. I definitely cannot rappel up a bridge using a tow rope and a tire iron. I forget why he says I would have to do that, I just know that there is no way in hell its gonna happen. Also, I don't feel entirely confident in my ability to defend my chosen hospital generator from attacking zombies. I've never been in a fist fight in my life. I don't do well in wrestling matches with my husband. I was raised in the south. I am way too polite to punch a ravening zombie in the face or anything like that. I am good at running, but then I would lose my hospital generator and this is important for some reason.
Maybe I can somehow befriend the zombies and use them as a sort of slave labor force to rebuild civilization with myself as supreme ruler of everything interesting. But how do you befriend a zombie? That is the kind of thing I need to know before the apocalypse. Not how to make fire out of my shoestrings and a blade of grass, but how to convince the zombies to do it for me.

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